Acceptance

Last night I realized how much of an insecure person I am. To those who know me well, I'm sorry that you have to read this. But it's true, I am very and highly insecure. Going to a school where there's so many amazing people- you can't help but to compare yourself once in a while.

At my school, I learnt many things about "what makes a person attractive." I learnt about the existence of a thigh gap, the sticking out of collarbones, the significance of a girls breast size, the pulp of a persons butt and many more. Of all which made me reflect upon my own body. Hence it became a catalyst as to why I'm so self-conscious now. 

It hits me. At times, I wish I could go back to my old school and not worry not know about these things. Back then I only worried about was the exposure of my body and what I wore. Now I worry about what I look like in what I wear- the shape of my body and all that nonsense. 

Last night I thought about waking up in the morning and drawing this page (picture below). "The things I'm insecure about." It's not to rub in my face what I may not like about myself. It's more like a page where I list out these very things and from then on, embark on a journey to acceptance. 

Acceptance. That is all I need. 

I remember then who accepted me at my worst, my best, my darkest and my lightest. My one and only Father. 

Acceptance. He is all I need. 

'..but seventy-seven times.'

This first week of holidays I had spent at Hillsong Conference, Monday-Friday. Although I slightly regretted registering for Jam 2013 since it wasn't worth sacrificing a week of study to, it has certainly convicted me and brought me down to my knees again before God.

I can tell you what the messages were like from Judah Smith, Joel & Victoria Osteen, Bishop TD Jakes, Craig Groeschel and many more but in all honesty nothing really hit home or stuck out to me. The only moment was when Kari Jobe worship/song lead the congregation for 'extra worship.' That moment, I can and will never forget. Such beautiful sincerity with God was just beaming through her as she sung. Besides the fact that she sings wonderfully, how she sung shone brighter than her talent. As she sung the next song it was 'Everything' by Lifehouse. We repeated this phrase over and over:

"You're all I want

You're all I need

You're everything

Everything"

Kari then spoke and said to the congregation: 'why did you fall in love with Him?' She then spoke to us of what God wanted to do through her in order to speak to us. Everyone in the arena got down on their knees and dwelt in the presence of God. His presence. Oh His presence was so heavy, sweet and comforting. Being on my knees again before Him I started to cry. I mean cry cry. Kari then kept singing that same phrase over and over- never growing tired of it I made that my prayer. 

From that very moment I knew what challenge was ahead of me. Would I get on my knees again like that in my own room after the conference? Would I sing that phrase again and again when it's just me and God? Til now, that very challenge is waiting to meet face-to-face with me. 

I fell again with old habits today. And more than ever I'm finding so hard to ask for forgiveness. Never have I had such struggle with coming straight to God and revealing, putting and laying down my shame. It's not easy and never will be. Yet He reminded me of Matthew 18:22; Jesus answered, 'I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.' This very worse spoke so profoundly to me. Although that is His instruction for us to forgive and forget, He does that same thing to us. We fall, we 'fail' and we are always short of Him but He forgives and forgets, forgives and forgets, forgives and forgets- continually. Isn't that amazing? Isn't it just beautiful? 

I now have confirmation that God will forgive and already has even before I've confessed through prayer since He does know what we're praying for even before we've opened our mouths. Nothing. Nothing can ever break the bonds of His love to us. Nothing.