Contentment

I can feel it getting closer. A lot closer than I thought it would come.
Contentment.

Although I have yet to go through HSC trials, completion of my Pip, Hillsong Conference, Graduation, University applications and all the in between. I know that I can be content with where I am at. It's the fact that I need to walk in faith now. Just like Peter, he didn't walk on water. He walked on faith. That's what made him do such a miraculous act. And so I can do the same, when I walk on faith- I gain hold of His promises for me. I just need to keep walking. I just need to keep my eyes above the waves.

The fact that I can completely focus on myself now, not trying to be self-centred, it's freeing my mind a lot more. I honestly can't wait to see what the future holds for me. I just know that there is so much more that God wants me to experience and to endeavour through life.

*breathes in and out*

So as I sit in front of this screen, I'm still contemplating what to write on. Should I subtly vent out my feelings? Should I go off onto a completely different topic in which it wouldn't matter nor apply to anyone? Should I just stop typing right now ..?

The only thing running through my mind is: "You don't need me huh?"
Well, looks like I've fallen into the category of 'Venting Feelings.' *claps for Kristine*

I don't wanna expand on this as I'd like to talk to the person directly- definitely have learnt my lesson. It's been too long since I've posted up anything positive on here. Let's brighten this up with a list of mine: 'The Little Things'

• Apple Juice
• Sunrises/Sunsets
• Morning breeze that is just the right temperature
• Finishing a colouring in page
• Jumpers that give you the right amount of warmth
• Bed socks
• Tedx Talks
• Perfect sleeping position 
• Singing in the shower
• Opening a bottle of water
• Victorious

Blogger!

How are you dear old chap? *ruffles non-existent hair*
I don't know even know why I type on here like blogger is person. But whatever. *shrugs shoulders*

There's particular pet-peeves that I'd like to rant about. Hopefully someone out there in this extraordinary world of the internet will be able to relate to me. If you do, comment on this post. It'll be nice to know that I'm not alone thinking these things. But if I am, hey .. I guess you can add that to my: "What makes me different" list.

• Self-centred characteristics. 
  Now this gets to me so badly, it's not even funny. I'm not meaning to brag or whatever but it's both a good and bad thing that I put others before myself. I actually find myself taking care of people than people taking care of me. And what gets to me is when people say: "I want..." It's not bad to desire for things but there are particular times when it's just not good.
  
  An example of this was when 3 of my other friends and I went to the shops just across our school. We walk into Woolworths to stock up on some food. Knowing that two of my friends didn't bring money, I said: "pick anything you want, I'll shout you guys." They picked out what they wanted and made sure it was share size (these we're lollies btw). So that everyone could have a bit of everything. Then my other friend, knowing they had money, just said ...aw "I want to have this .." And got this small thing .. just for himself. Only paid for himself. Did not offer to pay for anyone else, hardly does. And they have a job! Nothing to share? Okay.
  
  This may not seem like such a huge deal, there are more moments but I don't wanna drag on this point. So yeah. But going deeper, I love God so I love people. And I wanna do whatever I can in my more to take care of them. This is where that pet-peeve was based on.
  
• Bragging Egos
  Again this one gets to me even more. Cause it tests the humility of that person. I understand that if that person usually doesn't get high rankings or they just get a really good mark, they'll be happy. They want to share their joy. That's great. To an extent.
  
  Please don't brag about it, don't be egotistical with it. Like, I honestly find it unnecessary for someone to post up what they got on a test or assessment if they did really well. I mean, yeah congratulations but truth is no one will really care. It's in our own human nature that we do think about "me me me" from time to time. I just think that a simple, 'yay! Got good with my exam' would be enough to suffice the sharing of joy.
  
  Or when someone knows that they're really good at something and they just take over. Like. PUH-LEASE. We get it, you're good. No need to rub it into peoples faces. This tends to happen in music. Oh mannnnnn .. 

That's all I have to rant about. Thank you for reading.

Espedida x

'Will you wait for me?' 'Certainly'

These exact words were exchanged yesterday afternoon as my bestfriend and I sat in front of the MPC after school. As everyone finished after Period 4, we had stayed back with our groups to work on our Viva Vocé. An eventful start to our day happened when we attempted to finish our 'tbh's' that were shared on Saturday evening. I had left him hanging by a moment as he had expressed how he did see potential of us being together in the mere future but due to the ringing of the bell I wasn't able to respond.

This response was well left til the end of the day when it was just him and I.

I don't want to go into detail but I can come to conclusion that my bestfriend likes me. I can't say  I have feelings as well. I'm not ready to jump into anything like that right now and alongside of all this- HSC. HSC is definitely a priority during this last season of schooling for me. But I think it's safe to say that I'm trusting God with this. If we are meant to be together, God will establish the necessary feelings inside my heart whilst standing guard at the door of it. He is my Father and he's gotta go through Him first and foremost.

Friendship > Feelings.

Other than that, I thoroughly enjoy tumblr's homepage. A week without tumblr? Let's do this!

Thorough enjoyment of your company

Last Friday night, we danced on table tops and took too many shots. Think we kissed but I forgot.

Just kidding! If you didn't catch my little joke there, I was quoting Katy Perry's "Last Friday Night." Now aside from my so called humour, I move into into the real content of this post.

Last Friday night I had my very first experience of going to another youth group by myself. The reason I had chosen to go by myself was to rid myself of being in the comfort of having someone by my side all the time and the reason I had chosen to go to another youth group was to get myself out of my comfort zone from YD.

I attended M.A.D youths Friday meeting and it was definitely one of the most loveliest experiences I've had in such a long time. As I walked into the building my eyes glanced up to see a full worship band. Cool cool. Then they traced to the people on the floor ready for worship. A good 4-5 people stood there. I kid you not. Cool cool cool.
As we commenced worship, it seemed a little difficult for me to not feel the presence of a large amount of people around me. Step one out of my comfort zone. However I eventually just said to myself: God is here and that's all that matters right now. On saying a statement to myself I really felt His sweet, intimate presence in that place.

As the first worship song started, a beautiful voice filled the room. I looked up to the girl at the keyboard and immediately knew that it was Jheriel's Ate (older sister). Her voice so genuine and immensely in the song, it touched my heart. I continued to observe (also worshipping God at the same time) the worship team and how each person either sung or played their instrument. Their sincerity revealed their heart of worship and heart for God. Again, I was really touched. It wasn't about how well they played, although they did sound fantastic, it was about how they worshipped God through their talent.

Worship was then completed when JC closed in prayer. I must say, he is a very good song-leader. Definitely in for the worship ministry at Fatfish. We then had the offering where surprisingly Jheriel got up to the mic straight away to pray for the offering. I've never send him like this, I've only seen him in worship but not step up and pray in front of everyone. That was a nice moment.

After the offering we all sat down in a circle and began the Word. The size of their youth group was roughly the same size as Adorn (Cell group). Oh the intimacy and comfort I felt within that circle was humbling. Reading through "Crazy love," was already convicting in itself but having Ate Jherlin talk deeper into it made my heart melt. Such words of wisdom, humility and sincerity blessed my heart so much that I now consider her as one of my role models. That's saying something! I don't even know her personally but I know enough of her to say that she is one of the most beautiful people I've witnessed/met. Even til now I can't comprehend how much I am so blessed by her and the immense evidence of the deepness of her relationship with God makes me aspire to have my relationship with Him like that.

After the Word and some discussion, we split off into prayer partners. Now this, I was familiar with. We did this in relive as well. So I had split off with Prince and Gabi, we talked a bit about exams and all then went into prayer. They are both such lovely people and oh so very sweet. As we prayed, contentment and peace just filled my heart. It really did. I was more than blessed.

M.A.D youth really lives up to its name. "Making A Difference." Though they are small in size, it doesn't undermine the size of their hearts. Each individual is being used and worked through by God and that's how they make a difference as a youth group. It's through the nurture and growth of these individuals. That's where it humbled me the most. Coming from and growing up in a large youth group, YD, it's easy to miss the purity and consistency of what community is. It's easy to miss the importance and significance of individual growth. It's easy to miss the deepness of having a relationship with God.

As I walked out of the building with Jeffrey, Prince, Jovi and JC, I really reflected back on the night and just felt content. It was a different kind of contentment. The kind that is like a storm calming down in your heart. I had found peace again.

I then saw Jeffrey's dad and said hi to him. Jeffrey being the very kind person he is, he offered to take me home although I did say it would've been perfectly fine to drop me off at FCF and for me to get a lift from one of my own leaders. But anyway. Surprisingly Jeff opened the door to the car for me, I jokingly went around to the other side ..smiled and said "I'm joking Jeff!" Went around again to the open door and entered the car. I've never had a car door opened for me so I thought it was very gentleman like of him. However I did hear outside: "oh Jeffrey, opening the car door!" Oh well it was chivalry at its finest. Well for me that is.

On the way home Jeffrey and I talked about various topics, occasionally making fun of each other and laughing AT each other. I thoroughly enjoyed his company and the company of M.A.D. Youth.

That Friday night, I had found peace again and the importance of having a deep relationship with God.
That Friday night, I came to conclusion that I have a guy bestfriend named Jeffrey.
That Friday night, I was serenaded by Prince singing "Lego house (yeah yeah)."
That Friday night, I met one of the most beautiful human beings- Ate Jherlin.
That Friday night, I was humbled.
That Friday night ...that Friday night.

Bucket List #2

To scream at the top of my lungs, with absolute belief and confidence:

"I AM BEAUTIFUL" 

To tell a Story

I'm afraid that the continuous workload of HSC is slowly consuming me thus I hardly touch blogger.
I'm certain that the ventilation of certain thoughts and rants are best kept within the pages of my journal rather than on this blogger.
And yet again I'm afraid ..of the future.

So what is the connection between the title of this post, this photograph and the content of this post? It'll take quite an extensive elaboration to convince your understanding and interpretation of this connection. However, I am prepared to do so. Please, do prepare yourself.

This photograph was taken during a night at Engage. It was this very night that I was assigned to take photographs.It was this very night that re-ignited my passion and love for photography again. Oh and how glorious it felt. I don't understand how it came to being but I do understand that God does work in the smallest of ways. Through the times He bursts sun-rays into my room to get me out of bed, the times He gives me peace in escaping reality through reading a book, the times He makes me look into the mirror and smile at what I see. Such little things displaying an enormous love.

This photograph I wanted to tell a story.
A story not needing a main character or plot. But a story that speaks of a life journey with Christ. A story that reveals the vulnerability of the human through the expression of their knees touching the floor in desperation. This story has no ending as every moment of contact with the Saviour is only a beginning of new paragraph. I can't express enough just how powerful God moved in that night, as He does everyday. This night, He touched me again and breathed life into what was dead. He touched me again and grabbed hold of my hand.

This photograph highlights what I need to do.
My fear of the future hits me hard. Really hard. To the point that I physically stay still in shock, mindlessly staring at my wall questioning my existence. Literally. The moment my knees make contact to the floor, the moment my forehead touches the floor with my knees tucked under my chin- is the very moment I feel His embrace. His embrace, though not physically seen, is what motivates me to move on. His embrace that delivers reassurance of His presence in my life. I'm more than hopeful for what He has for me. And I'm more than hopeful that my future is not to harm me but to let me soar into horizons I never would've thought existed nor could reach.

To tell a story is to bring hope in a desolate place.
To tell a story is to deliver from bondage.
To tell a story is to reignite what was burnt out.
To tell a story is to bring life to what was dead.

I want my life story to do just that.

Hello my friend.

Who would've thought that two strangers, such as us, eventually clicked.
The acknowledgement of each others existence was evident, however the exchange of dialogue wasn't.
Despite of this intricate notion of 'friendship,' it only took one message to discover that this notion must be broken.

Who would've thought that introverts, such as us, eventually connected.
The subtlety of our feelings could only be seen by those who look on the surface, for one to look deeper and engage into observation of how we looked at each other they'd have to know the depths of our friendship.
Though we hid this connection, it only took one glance to reassure that we had each other.

My friend. Where are we now?
Who would've thought that the phrase: "I'm used to it" would come out of my mouth as you pushed me away. Silence is deafening, however it has brought us back to where we started.

It took one message to break the notion.
It took one push to break my heart.

Loneliness

I am alone.
Three words, two perspectives.
Your bestfriend and your worst enemy.
All to one person.

You see, loneliness can be your greatest bestfriend. It'll always be there. Waiting. Just for you. No one else.
It's the sweetness of silence.
It's the moments of contentment.
It's the thoughts that run wildly.

Then again, loneliness can be your worst enemy. It'll always be there. Waiting. Just for you. No one else.
It waits for you to be alone.
It waits for the time you're most vulnerable.
It'll prey you down, entrap you.
It'll consume you, drown you.

So be careful, friend, of loneliness. When you're alone, watch out. It could be either be waiting or preying.

Bring it on 2013