Acceptance

Last night I realized how much of an insecure person I am. To those who know me well, I'm sorry that you have to read this. But it's true, I am very and highly insecure. Going to a school where there's so many amazing people- you can't help but to compare yourself once in a while.

At my school, I learnt many things about "what makes a person attractive." I learnt about the existence of a thigh gap, the sticking out of collarbones, the significance of a girls breast size, the pulp of a persons butt and many more. Of all which made me reflect upon my own body. Hence it became a catalyst as to why I'm so self-conscious now. 

It hits me. At times, I wish I could go back to my old school and not worry not know about these things. Back then I only worried about was the exposure of my body and what I wore. Now I worry about what I look like in what I wear- the shape of my body and all that nonsense. 

Last night I thought about waking up in the morning and drawing this page (picture below). "The things I'm insecure about." It's not to rub in my face what I may not like about myself. It's more like a page where I list out these very things and from then on, embark on a journey to acceptance. 

Acceptance. That is all I need. 

I remember then who accepted me at my worst, my best, my darkest and my lightest. My one and only Father. 

Acceptance. He is all I need. 

Wow. It's really attractive seeing a guy intensely reading a book.

'..but seventy-seven times.'

This first week of holidays I had spent at Hillsong Conference, Monday-Friday. Although I slightly regretted registering for Jam 2013 since it wasn't worth sacrificing a week of study to, it has certainly convicted me and brought me down to my knees again before God.

I can tell you what the messages were like from Judah Smith, Joel & Victoria Osteen, Bishop TD Jakes, Craig Groeschel and many more but in all honesty nothing really hit home or stuck out to me. The only moment was when Kari Jobe worship/song lead the congregation for 'extra worship.' That moment, I can and will never forget. Such beautiful sincerity with God was just beaming through her as she sung. Besides the fact that she sings wonderfully, how she sung shone brighter than her talent. As she sung the next song it was 'Everything' by Lifehouse. We repeated this phrase over and over:

"You're all I want

You're all I need

You're everything

Everything"

Kari then spoke and said to the congregation: 'why did you fall in love with Him?' She then spoke to us of what God wanted to do through her in order to speak to us. Everyone in the arena got down on their knees and dwelt in the presence of God. His presence. Oh His presence was so heavy, sweet and comforting. Being on my knees again before Him I started to cry. I mean cry cry. Kari then kept singing that same phrase over and over- never growing tired of it I made that my prayer. 

From that very moment I knew what challenge was ahead of me. Would I get on my knees again like that in my own room after the conference? Would I sing that phrase again and again when it's just me and God? Til now, that very challenge is waiting to meet face-to-face with me. 

I fell again with old habits today. And more than ever I'm finding so hard to ask for forgiveness. Never have I had such struggle with coming straight to God and revealing, putting and laying down my shame. It's not easy and never will be. Yet He reminded me of Matthew 18:22; Jesus answered, 'I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.' This very worse spoke so profoundly to me. Although that is His instruction for us to forgive and forget, He does that same thing to us. We fall, we 'fail' and we are always short of Him but He forgives and forgets, forgives and forgets, forgives and forgets- continually. Isn't that amazing? Isn't it just beautiful? 

I now have confirmation that God will forgive and already has even before I've confessed through prayer since He does know what we're praying for even before we've opened our mouths. Nothing. Nothing can ever break the bonds of His love to us. Nothing. 

Contentment

I can feel it getting closer. A lot closer than I thought it would come.
Contentment.

Although I have yet to go through HSC trials, completion of my Pip, Hillsong Conference, Graduation, University applications and all the in between. I know that I can be content with where I am at. It's the fact that I need to walk in faith now. Just like Peter, he didn't walk on water. He walked on faith. That's what made him do such a miraculous act. And so I can do the same, when I walk on faith- I gain hold of His promises for me. I just need to keep walking. I just need to keep my eyes above the waves.

The fact that I can completely focus on myself now, not trying to be self-centred, it's freeing my mind a lot more. I honestly can't wait to see what the future holds for me. I just know that there is so much more that God wants me to experience and to endeavour through life.

*breathes in and out*

So as I sit in front of this screen, I'm still contemplating what to write on. Should I subtly vent out my feelings? Should I go off onto a completely different topic in which it wouldn't matter nor apply to anyone? Should I just stop typing right now ..?

The only thing running through my mind is: "You don't need me huh?"
Well, looks like I've fallen into the category of 'Venting Feelings.' *claps for Kristine*

I don't wanna expand on this as I'd like to talk to the person directly- definitely have learnt my lesson. It's been too long since I've posted up anything positive on here. Let's brighten this up with a list of mine: 'The Little Things'

• Apple Juice
• Sunrises/Sunsets
• Morning breeze that is just the right temperature
• Finishing a colouring in page
• Jumpers that give you the right amount of warmth
• Bed socks
• Tedx Talks
• Perfect sleeping position 
• Singing in the shower
• Opening a bottle of water
• Victorious

Blogger!

How are you dear old chap? *ruffles non-existent hair*
I don't know even know why I type on here like blogger is person. But whatever. *shrugs shoulders*

There's particular pet-peeves that I'd like to rant about. Hopefully someone out there in this extraordinary world of the internet will be able to relate to me. If you do, comment on this post. It'll be nice to know that I'm not alone thinking these things. But if I am, hey .. I guess you can add that to my: "What makes me different" list.

• Self-centred characteristics. 
  Now this gets to me so badly, it's not even funny. I'm not meaning to brag or whatever but it's both a good and bad thing that I put others before myself. I actually find myself taking care of people than people taking care of me. And what gets to me is when people say: "I want..." It's not bad to desire for things but there are particular times when it's just not good.
  
  An example of this was when 3 of my other friends and I went to the shops just across our school. We walk into Woolworths to stock up on some food. Knowing that two of my friends didn't bring money, I said: "pick anything you want, I'll shout you guys." They picked out what they wanted and made sure it was share size (these we're lollies btw). So that everyone could have a bit of everything. Then my other friend, knowing they had money, just said ...aw "I want to have this .." And got this small thing .. just for himself. Only paid for himself. Did not offer to pay for anyone else, hardly does. And they have a job! Nothing to share? Okay.
  
  This may not seem like such a huge deal, there are more moments but I don't wanna drag on this point. So yeah. But going deeper, I love God so I love people. And I wanna do whatever I can in my more to take care of them. This is where that pet-peeve was based on.
  
• Bragging Egos
  Again this one gets to me even more. Cause it tests the humility of that person. I understand that if that person usually doesn't get high rankings or they just get a really good mark, they'll be happy. They want to share their joy. That's great. To an extent.
  
  Please don't brag about it, don't be egotistical with it. Like, I honestly find it unnecessary for someone to post up what they got on a test or assessment if they did really well. I mean, yeah congratulations but truth is no one will really care. It's in our own human nature that we do think about "me me me" from time to time. I just think that a simple, 'yay! Got good with my exam' would be enough to suffice the sharing of joy.
  
  Or when someone knows that they're really good at something and they just take over. Like. PUH-LEASE. We get it, you're good. No need to rub it into peoples faces. This tends to happen in music. Oh mannnnnn .. 

That's all I have to rant about. Thank you for reading.

Espedida x

It's okay

'Its okay'

How this phrase is all to familiar. So much that it's fitted and squeezed into my own personal vocabulary bank.

As much as I try to withdraw such a phrase, I only find myself depositing into it even more. To rid of it, I wish it was as simple as using the declining balance formula. But there is no formula, no Sir. No formula can ever resolve this. 

This phrase. It's duality. 

How it's all too masked. A truth and a lie. A speck of light and a cloud of darkness. Yes, I utilize the phrase to mask my true feelings. Yes, I utilize the phrase to humbly reveal my generosity. In all reality, I guess I can just say that:

-"It's okay" that you left me hanging
-"It's okay" for you to tell me your problems, I'll always be here for you
-"It's okay that you are cheesy
-"It's okay" for you to not have it altogether, all the time
-"It's okay" that you cry on my shoulder
-"It's okay" for you to lean on me

It's O.K.