Confessions of Being Single #2: The Search

AHA! You probably have already figured out what this post will be about. Oh the perilous journey of searching and finding 'the one' for you is tiring, long, challenging, annoying and frankly can sometimes leave you in a state of hopelessness. This is though if you have spent most of your adolescent to adult life going from one person to another, 'falling in love' several times but finding that you just haven't encountered your one true 'soul mate.'

Well let me present to you another idea. See, I won't judge you if you have had multiple relationships or have given your heart so many times that you feel as if you can't give anything to the one you're truly meant to be with. We're only human and plus I have no right to judge you since I have no knowledge of you. But I do believe that we aren't meant to search.

I will warn before I continue, that I myself have not experienced falling in love, I have not been in a relationship either. Might be surprising to some since I am almost 18 years old. So ...*cricket sounds* Anyway, this is just my personal idea that could hopefully help out someone, encourage someone and/or make someone question about how they're approaching 'the one.' I'll be speaking both in a Biblical sense and a generalised sense since not everyone believes in God.

If you think deeper, why do we search for 'the one?' Is it a natural human instinct? Probably. Is it because we have a deeper sense of fulfilment that we believe can only be filled by the love and affection of someone else? Probably so too. What this search does to us is it makes us more self-centred. We search because WE want to be personally satisfied by getting something. This something I've generalised to a broad range of things like gifts, love, affection, attention .. not just sex okay. Again, I'm just presenting an idea I'm not trying to convince you to agree or think like me, I'm just wanting to spark up some food for thought.

For those who aren't exactly 'religious,' this can apply to you too:

"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires." -Song of Songs 2:7b (NIV)

This verse ultimately supports that searching is not how love will be 'awakened' or 'aroused.' No no no. Love is something that will be established in your heart in the right circumstance, with the right someone in the right time. Going from one person to another, yes it may engender a sense of learning but during that process you're still giving something of yourself. Take eating an apple for example. You give your apple to someone, they take a bite out of it. Without finishing the apple they give it back to you. You find someone else, you give them that same apple, they take a bite out of it and so forth .. until there's nothing but the core left. Some people are like this. Now you may think, well there's nothing left of me to give now to my 'one true love.' Oh but there is.

The thing about love is, it's not about you. It's about the other person. Just like marriage, it's not for you. It's not to make YOU feel special but more of how you can make the other person feel special. It's about giving something that more than just feelings. I believe that love is more than feelings, it's more than the butterflies in your stomach, more than holding hands and walking along the beach as the sun kisses the shore in the closing of that day (ha ..cheesy). Love is a spiritual connection, one that can bind your emotions and thoughts that switches from what you want given to you to what you want to give to the other person. I'm not getting all 'religious' on you but it's true. Love is deeper than feelings. 

To experience this love, you need to stop searching. I'll reference back to my first post on this series, singlehood should be about making solidification of your identity, of who you are. Don't let 'the search' take up the valuable time you have to use to better make yourself to be all that YOU can be. Don't get me wrong, it's good to be picky and have some high standards but don't focus on finding the right person .. BE THE RIGHT PERSON. Hence relating back to "Time" in this series. Many have heard this and you will keep hearing simple because we need reminding of it. I know that I do. 

Searching for someone requires a lot of time and patience and perseverance. It's all in perfect and good timing that love will come to you. As you wait, anticipate, dream and desire to meet that special someone, don't let it hinder you from all that you can be. Be prepared to sacrifice, be prepared to give more than just valentines gifts and letters because that is what love will consist of .. giving. It's about willingly giving and providing more than physical desires of the other person. So to those who are 'searching,' it's not wrong to but I do encourage you to stop searching because there's probably a good reason why you haven't found the 'one.' Maybe you're not ready as an individual to meet that person, maybe it's not the right timing for the other person OR for you, maybe you're both not ready to fall in love just yet. Don't you fret, love will come to you one day. Just sit back relax and let life take you further on a journey of continuous development of yourself. 

That someday will come. 

Aquarium Adventure

:ast Friday, I finally went out for the first time since the HSC. Thanks to my bestfriend for taking me out as we spontaneously went to Sydney Aquarium, got lost between Central and Town Hall, spent almost more than an hour in Kinokuniya, walked through beautiful historical buildings (the Queen Victoria Building), ate bread, sushi and froyo. Oh how wonderful it was!

Here you'll find how the day went through these photos, I have learnt the art of copyrighting my photos by the way so if you desire to use any of these photos please contact me through twitter (the link is in the left side bar). I'll be doing my best to post as many photos on my blog especially if it's a full day outing. It's more pleasant when it's visually represented.

(The 11th photo is my bestfriend)

Confessions of Being Single #1: Time

Lately, it's been a recurring thought about the concept of time. So I decided to google, 'time.' I'm not too sure how many other people there are in this world who share the same intrigue as I do when it comes to the origins and meaning of words- please excuse the excitement and fascination as I dig deeper into fleshing out the word 'time.'

time

tʌɪm/

noun

1. 1.

   the indefinite continued progress of existence and events in the past, present, and future regarded as a whole.

   "travel through space and time"

   
   

   
   

   
   

From this definition we can already grasp that the concept of time is a progress, a continuing progress that is indefinite. Indefinite being vague or not clearly expressed. Which in fact is true. We can see the progression of time every single, waking day of our lives. From the rising to the setting of the sun, the growth and falling of leaves of trees from winter to spring. It's there and inevitably progressing. During these progressions, our existence (and existence of other living/non-living things) and events are considered as a whole from the past, present and future. To dig deeper and probably gain better understanding, take the dates of a person's lifetime. Time is defined by that dash in between the birth date and death date. Everything that we have experienced, felt, dealt with, done is all in that dash. All of our past and present emerged into one dash.

Now, how does this relate to 'being single?' Since I have established that time is a progression of our existence and events, this is what 'being single' is. Being single is a progression. Often misinterpreted by social media, well media in general, that being single is a state of just waiting and anticipating for the emergence of 'falling in love.' Because apparently being married and settled down with a family is your life done and dusted. Don't get me wrong, it's not a bad thing to have dreams of a future that consists of being in love with a 'forever' partner and raising a family whilst having a stable and enjoyable career. I am however encouraging you to see single-hood in a new light.

Imagine if magazine articles, blogging sites and other forms of media presented topics on how to find yourself, how to be confident in your own skin, how to love who you are, how to embrace all your flaws and correct what is wrong? The formation and structure of our society would be different wouldn't it? It could be possible that we would be raising up a generation that defines themselves and finds their identity NOT by the idealistic standards of a westernised, materialistic, image-possessed society. This way people are being formed and moulded accordingly and well internally rather than focusing on the external figure.

Yes, first impressions do have an impact and presentation is important. Yet it is not everything and it doesn't define you as a person. Think of it, your name defines you more than the appearance of your face. For naturally, humans seek after knowledge of the things that is skin deep. When we differentiate between single-hood as a timeline of anticipation to a timeline of finding yourself, it deteriorates and erodes most, if even all, ideologies of 'love.'

See, single-hood should be an embarkment, a journey of truly identifying who you are and establishing a foundation on which you can stand and not be moved. If ever, know that being single isn't a 'punishment' or karma or a burden. It shouldn't be. It should be that timeline of your life where you explore what you like, don't like, are intrigued by, upset by ..being single is a wonderful thing. If you let it be. In the mean time of being single, utilize it to the best of your ability to learn more. Utilize it to embrace that the past is what you've been through which contributes to who you are in the present to ultimately mould all that you are to do and be in the future. Utilize single-hood as a means of figuring out your placement in this world.

It's inevitable that loneliness can creep in but don't let it affect you to the point that you get off track. Even if you do get off track for a bit, it's never impossible to get back on.

Hardworking Sydney White

If the title doesn't ring a bell, then it's not a surprise. 'Sydney White' is movie starring Amanda Bynes. When I say Amanda  Bynes, I'm talking about the Amanda Bynes before she dyed her hair blonde, had dimple pierces and posted online photos revealing parts of her body.

Now, this movie particularly inspires me. Strange huh? When you look at the contextual value and the characterisation, it's creative as it correlates to the story of Snow White. Before I continue, I encourage you to watch the movie first (if you haven't yet) so that understanding what this post is about will be able to come better to you.

There's something about characterisation in movies that intrigues me. Particularly Sydney's character. Sydney is a freshman in college with big dreams, an intelligent young lady who's on a scholarship, has an extensive collection of comic books (which I adore!), is a handy-woman, knows AND plays football and has a strong sense of standing up for what is right. She is the type of girl who today we would consider as absolutely awesome. In terms of our changing society, it's considered 'cool' now (particularly on tumblr) for a girl to fangirl about Doctor Who, Harry Potter, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Comic books ... all things that were considered 'nerdy.' I for one do fall into this category. Back to Sydney, I admire that she's some who works hard to get to where she is at.

Although I doubt that I would be able to get a scholarship, I'm still inspired and in awe that hard work can get you to where you are potentially meant to be. I honestly wish I had tried a little harder for the HSC but no doubt, I will do and work with what I have to just be able to get into University. Whilst obtaining a gaming lifestyle, interest in comic books, fangirling about anything star wars related, learn about astronomy and more stuff that I will mention later. What I'm basically getting at is, the next time you admire a character from a particular movie ..why not try to relate them to yourself? What is it about that character that attracts you. Characterisation is more than just the appearance, whether they are absolutely 'dreamy' and what not, it is about the mould and the shape of the personality of that composed person. Although characters in movies are merely just creations of script writers, nonetheless there will always be at least one thing that you can grasp from a likely character of yours.

It could be their humility, their intrinsic mind, sarcastic statements, nobility, humility. Much of these characteristics that are skin deep. Isn't that what a character is? It's your identity ... skin deep.

Despedida x

Scrum-didly-EGG-cious

I'm trying me best to update this blog as much as I can in the small amount of time that I can spare during studying. I started off this week well and was supposed to upload what I ate for breakfast on Monday but obviously I lagged in doing so. Better late than never right?

Just one of the many improved meals I've made and this one only required some sun-dried tomatoes, fetta cheese and spinach all mixed up in egg! This right here was just absolutely delectable and filled me up throughout the day. My main point of this post is to encourage you to not be afraid to improv on cooking because you'll never know what will turn out. 

#ColouringIn

It's been a while since I've posted up on here, with photos and text. And of something that isn't a subtle ventilation of my thoughts towards people and what not. This is just a post to say that I am struggling a lot but I will get through. One of the small ways that I do so is through colouring in. Sounds lame- maybe. But it is something that I do whenever I am not feeling the best that I am, mentally and emotionally. 

Not really that interesting of a post but hey, I'm on my way to getting better.

I have this thing where I like screen shotting tumblr's homepage's. It's why I log out because I simply love the backgrounds and I thoroughly enjoy art. Cool story Kristine.

Acceptance

Last night I realized how much of an insecure person I am. To those who know me well, I'm sorry that you have to read this. But it's true, I am very and highly insecure. Going to a school where there's so many amazing people- you can't help but to compare yourself once in a while.

At my school, I learnt many things about "what makes a person attractive." I learnt about the existence of a thigh gap, the sticking out of collarbones, the significance of a girls breast size, the pulp of a persons butt and many more. Of all which made me reflect upon my own body. Hence it became a catalyst as to why I'm so self-conscious now. 

It hits me. At times, I wish I could go back to my old school and not worry not know about these things. Back then I only worried about was the exposure of my body and what I wore. Now I worry about what I look like in what I wear- the shape of my body and all that nonsense. 

Last night I thought about waking up in the morning and drawing this page (picture below). "The things I'm insecure about." It's not to rub in my face what I may not like about myself. It's more like a page where I list out these very things and from then on, embark on a journey to acceptance. 

Acceptance. That is all I need. 

I remember then who accepted me at my worst, my best, my darkest and my lightest. My one and only Father. 

Acceptance. He is all I need. 

Wow. It's really attractive seeing a guy intensely reading a book.

'..but seventy-seven times.'

This first week of holidays I had spent at Hillsong Conference, Monday-Friday. Although I slightly regretted registering for Jam 2013 since it wasn't worth sacrificing a week of study to, it has certainly convicted me and brought me down to my knees again before God.

I can tell you what the messages were like from Judah Smith, Joel & Victoria Osteen, Bishop TD Jakes, Craig Groeschel and many more but in all honesty nothing really hit home or stuck out to me. The only moment was when Kari Jobe worship/song lead the congregation for 'extra worship.' That moment, I can and will never forget. Such beautiful sincerity with God was just beaming through her as she sung. Besides the fact that she sings wonderfully, how she sung shone brighter than her talent. As she sung the next song it was 'Everything' by Lifehouse. We repeated this phrase over and over:

"You're all I want

You're all I need

You're everything

Everything"

Kari then spoke and said to the congregation: 'why did you fall in love with Him?' She then spoke to us of what God wanted to do through her in order to speak to us. Everyone in the arena got down on their knees and dwelt in the presence of God. His presence. Oh His presence was so heavy, sweet and comforting. Being on my knees again before Him I started to cry. I mean cry cry. Kari then kept singing that same phrase over and over- never growing tired of it I made that my prayer. 

From that very moment I knew what challenge was ahead of me. Would I get on my knees again like that in my own room after the conference? Would I sing that phrase again and again when it's just me and God? Til now, that very challenge is waiting to meet face-to-face with me. 

I fell again with old habits today. And more than ever I'm finding so hard to ask for forgiveness. Never have I had such struggle with coming straight to God and revealing, putting and laying down my shame. It's not easy and never will be. Yet He reminded me of Matthew 18:22; Jesus answered, 'I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.' This very worse spoke so profoundly to me. Although that is His instruction for us to forgive and forget, He does that same thing to us. We fall, we 'fail' and we are always short of Him but He forgives and forgets, forgives and forgets, forgives and forgets- continually. Isn't that amazing? Isn't it just beautiful? 

I now have confirmation that God will forgive and already has even before I've confessed through prayer since He does know what we're praying for even before we've opened our mouths. Nothing. Nothing can ever break the bonds of His love to us. Nothing. 

Contentment

I can feel it getting closer. A lot closer than I thought it would come.
Contentment.

Although I have yet to go through HSC trials, completion of my Pip, Hillsong Conference, Graduation, University applications and all the in between. I know that I can be content with where I am at. It's the fact that I need to walk in faith now. Just like Peter, he didn't walk on water. He walked on faith. That's what made him do such a miraculous act. And so I can do the same, when I walk on faith- I gain hold of His promises for me. I just need to keep walking. I just need to keep my eyes above the waves.

The fact that I can completely focus on myself now, not trying to be self-centred, it's freeing my mind a lot more. I honestly can't wait to see what the future holds for me. I just know that there is so much more that God wants me to experience and to endeavour through life.

*breathes in and out*

So as I sit in front of this screen, I'm still contemplating what to write on. Should I subtly vent out my feelings? Should I go off onto a completely different topic in which it wouldn't matter nor apply to anyone? Should I just stop typing right now ..?

The only thing running through my mind is: "You don't need me huh?"
Well, looks like I've fallen into the category of 'Venting Feelings.' *claps for Kristine*

I don't wanna expand on this as I'd like to talk to the person directly- definitely have learnt my lesson. It's been too long since I've posted up anything positive on here. Let's brighten this up with a list of mine: 'The Little Things'

• Apple Juice
• Sunrises/Sunsets
• Morning breeze that is just the right temperature
• Finishing a colouring in page
• Jumpers that give you the right amount of warmth
• Bed socks
• Tedx Talks
• Perfect sleeping position 
• Singing in the shower
• Opening a bottle of water
• Victorious

Blogger!

How are you dear old chap? *ruffles non-existent hair*
I don't know even know why I type on here like blogger is person. But whatever. *shrugs shoulders*

There's particular pet-peeves that I'd like to rant about. Hopefully someone out there in this extraordinary world of the internet will be able to relate to me. If you do, comment on this post. It'll be nice to know that I'm not alone thinking these things. But if I am, hey .. I guess you can add that to my: "What makes me different" list.

• Self-centred characteristics. 
  Now this gets to me so badly, it's not even funny. I'm not meaning to brag or whatever but it's both a good and bad thing that I put others before myself. I actually find myself taking care of people than people taking care of me. And what gets to me is when people say: "I want..." It's not bad to desire for things but there are particular times when it's just not good.
  
  An example of this was when 3 of my other friends and I went to the shops just across our school. We walk into Woolworths to stock up on some food. Knowing that two of my friends didn't bring money, I said: "pick anything you want, I'll shout you guys." They picked out what they wanted and made sure it was share size (these we're lollies btw). So that everyone could have a bit of everything. Then my other friend, knowing they had money, just said ...aw "I want to have this .." And got this small thing .. just for himself. Only paid for himself. Did not offer to pay for anyone else, hardly does. And they have a job! Nothing to share? Okay.
  
  This may not seem like such a huge deal, there are more moments but I don't wanna drag on this point. So yeah. But going deeper, I love God so I love people. And I wanna do whatever I can in my more to take care of them. This is where that pet-peeve was based on.
  
• Bragging Egos
  Again this one gets to me even more. Cause it tests the humility of that person. I understand that if that person usually doesn't get high rankings or they just get a really good mark, they'll be happy. They want to share their joy. That's great. To an extent.
  
  Please don't brag about it, don't be egotistical with it. Like, I honestly find it unnecessary for someone to post up what they got on a test or assessment if they did really well. I mean, yeah congratulations but truth is no one will really care. It's in our own human nature that we do think about "me me me" from time to time. I just think that a simple, 'yay! Got good with my exam' would be enough to suffice the sharing of joy.
  
  Or when someone knows that they're really good at something and they just take over. Like. PUH-LEASE. We get it, you're good. No need to rub it into peoples faces. This tends to happen in music. Oh mannnnnn .. 

That's all I have to rant about. Thank you for reading.

Espedida x

It's okay

'Its okay'

How this phrase is all to familiar. So much that it's fitted and squeezed into my own personal vocabulary bank.

As much as I try to withdraw such a phrase, I only find myself depositing into it even more. To rid of it, I wish it was as simple as using the declining balance formula. But there is no formula, no Sir. No formula can ever resolve this. 

This phrase. It's duality. 

How it's all too masked. A truth and a lie. A speck of light and a cloud of darkness. Yes, I utilize the phrase to mask my true feelings. Yes, I utilize the phrase to humbly reveal my generosity. In all reality, I guess I can just say that:

-"It's okay" that you left me hanging
-"It's okay" for you to tell me your problems, I'll always be here for you
-"It's okay that you are cheesy
-"It's okay" for you to not have it altogether, all the time
-"It's okay" that you cry on my shoulder
-"It's okay" for you to lean on me

It's O.K. 

'Will you wait for me?' 'Certainly'

These exact words were exchanged yesterday afternoon as my bestfriend and I sat in front of the MPC after school. As everyone finished after Period 4, we had stayed back with our groups to work on our Viva Vocé. An eventful start to our day happened when we attempted to finish our 'tbh's' that were shared on Saturday evening. I had left him hanging by a moment as he had expressed how he did see potential of us being together in the mere future but due to the ringing of the bell I wasn't able to respond.

This response was well left til the end of the day when it was just him and I.

I don't want to go into detail but I can come to conclusion that my bestfriend likes me. I can't say  I have feelings as well. I'm not ready to jump into anything like that right now and alongside of all this- HSC. HSC is definitely a priority during this last season of schooling for me. But I think it's safe to say that I'm trusting God with this. If we are meant to be together, God will establish the necessary feelings inside my heart whilst standing guard at the door of it. He is my Father and he's gotta go through Him first and foremost.

Friendship > Feelings.

Other than that, I thoroughly enjoy tumblr's homepage. A week without tumblr? Let's do this!

Thorough enjoyment of your company

Last Friday night, we danced on table tops and took too many shots. Think we kissed but I forgot.

Just kidding! If you didn't catch my little joke there, I was quoting Katy Perry's "Last Friday Night." Now aside from my so called humour, I move into into the real content of this post.

Last Friday night I had my very first experience of going to another youth group by myself. The reason I had chosen to go by myself was to rid myself of being in the comfort of having someone by my side all the time and the reason I had chosen to go to another youth group was to get myself out of my comfort zone from YD.

I attended M.A.D youths Friday meeting and it was definitely one of the most loveliest experiences I've had in such a long time. As I walked into the building my eyes glanced up to see a full worship band. Cool cool. Then they traced to the people on the floor ready for worship. A good 4-5 people stood there. I kid you not. Cool cool cool.
As we commenced worship, it seemed a little difficult for me to not feel the presence of a large amount of people around me. Step one out of my comfort zone. However I eventually just said to myself: God is here and that's all that matters right now. On saying a statement to myself I really felt His sweet, intimate presence in that place.

As the first worship song started, a beautiful voice filled the room. I looked up to the girl at the keyboard and immediately knew that it was Jheriel's Ate (older sister). Her voice so genuine and immensely in the song, it touched my heart. I continued to observe (also worshipping God at the same time) the worship team and how each person either sung or played their instrument. Their sincerity revealed their heart of worship and heart for God. Again, I was really touched. It wasn't about how well they played, although they did sound fantastic, it was about how they worshipped God through their talent.

Worship was then completed when JC closed in prayer. I must say, he is a very good song-leader. Definitely in for the worship ministry at Fatfish. We then had the offering where surprisingly Jheriel got up to the mic straight away to pray for the offering. I've never send him like this, I've only seen him in worship but not step up and pray in front of everyone. That was a nice moment.

After the offering we all sat down in a circle and began the Word. The size of their youth group was roughly the same size as Adorn (Cell group). Oh the intimacy and comfort I felt within that circle was humbling. Reading through "Crazy love," was already convicting in itself but having Ate Jherlin talk deeper into it made my heart melt. Such words of wisdom, humility and sincerity blessed my heart so much that I now consider her as one of my role models. That's saying something! I don't even know her personally but I know enough of her to say that she is one of the most beautiful people I've witnessed/met. Even til now I can't comprehend how much I am so blessed by her and the immense evidence of the deepness of her relationship with God makes me aspire to have my relationship with Him like that.

After the Word and some discussion, we split off into prayer partners. Now this, I was familiar with. We did this in relive as well. So I had split off with Prince and Gabi, we talked a bit about exams and all then went into prayer. They are both such lovely people and oh so very sweet. As we prayed, contentment and peace just filled my heart. It really did. I was more than blessed.

M.A.D youth really lives up to its name. "Making A Difference." Though they are small in size, it doesn't undermine the size of their hearts. Each individual is being used and worked through by God and that's how they make a difference as a youth group. It's through the nurture and growth of these individuals. That's where it humbled me the most. Coming from and growing up in a large youth group, YD, it's easy to miss the purity and consistency of what community is. It's easy to miss the importance and significance of individual growth. It's easy to miss the deepness of having a relationship with God.

As I walked out of the building with Jeffrey, Prince, Jovi and JC, I really reflected back on the night and just felt content. It was a different kind of contentment. The kind that is like a storm calming down in your heart. I had found peace again.

I then saw Jeffrey's dad and said hi to him. Jeffrey being the very kind person he is, he offered to take me home although I did say it would've been perfectly fine to drop me off at FCF and for me to get a lift from one of my own leaders. But anyway. Surprisingly Jeff opened the door to the car for me, I jokingly went around to the other side ..smiled and said "I'm joking Jeff!" Went around again to the open door and entered the car. I've never had a car door opened for me so I thought it was very gentleman like of him. However I did hear outside: "oh Jeffrey, opening the car door!" Oh well it was chivalry at its finest. Well for me that is.

On the way home Jeffrey and I talked about various topics, occasionally making fun of each other and laughing AT each other. I thoroughly enjoyed his company and the company of M.A.D. Youth.

That Friday night, I had found peace again and the importance of having a deep relationship with God.
That Friday night, I came to conclusion that I have a guy bestfriend named Jeffrey.
That Friday night, I was serenaded by Prince singing "Lego house (yeah yeah)."
That Friday night, I met one of the most beautiful human beings- Ate Jherlin.
That Friday night, I was humbled.
That Friday night ...that Friday night.

Bucket List #2

To scream at the top of my lungs, with absolute belief and confidence:

"I AM BEAUTIFUL" 

To tell a Story

I'm afraid that the continuous workload of HSC is slowly consuming me thus I hardly touch blogger.
I'm certain that the ventilation of certain thoughts and rants are best kept within the pages of my journal rather than on this blogger.
And yet again I'm afraid ..of the future.

So what is the connection between the title of this post, this photograph and the content of this post? It'll take quite an extensive elaboration to convince your understanding and interpretation of this connection. However, I am prepared to do so. Please, do prepare yourself.

This photograph was taken during a night at Engage. It was this very night that I was assigned to take photographs.It was this very night that re-ignited my passion and love for photography again. Oh and how glorious it felt. I don't understand how it came to being but I do understand that God does work in the smallest of ways. Through the times He bursts sun-rays into my room to get me out of bed, the times He gives me peace in escaping reality through reading a book, the times He makes me look into the mirror and smile at what I see. Such little things displaying an enormous love.

This photograph I wanted to tell a story.
A story not needing a main character or plot. But a story that speaks of a life journey with Christ. A story that reveals the vulnerability of the human through the expression of their knees touching the floor in desperation. This story has no ending as every moment of contact with the Saviour is only a beginning of new paragraph. I can't express enough just how powerful God moved in that night, as He does everyday. This night, He touched me again and breathed life into what was dead. He touched me again and grabbed hold of my hand.

This photograph highlights what I need to do.
My fear of the future hits me hard. Really hard. To the point that I physically stay still in shock, mindlessly staring at my wall questioning my existence. Literally. The moment my knees make contact to the floor, the moment my forehead touches the floor with my knees tucked under my chin- is the very moment I feel His embrace. His embrace, though not physically seen, is what motivates me to move on. His embrace that delivers reassurance of His presence in my life. I'm more than hopeful for what He has for me. And I'm more than hopeful that my future is not to harm me but to let me soar into horizons I never would've thought existed nor could reach.

To tell a story is to bring hope in a desolate place.
To tell a story is to deliver from bondage.
To tell a story is to reignite what was burnt out.
To tell a story is to bring life to what was dead.

I want my life story to do just that.

Hello my friend.

Who would've thought that two strangers, such as us, eventually clicked.
The acknowledgement of each others existence was evident, however the exchange of dialogue wasn't.
Despite of this intricate notion of 'friendship,' it only took one message to discover that this notion must be broken.

Who would've thought that introverts, such as us, eventually connected.
The subtlety of our feelings could only be seen by those who look on the surface, for one to look deeper and engage into observation of how we looked at each other they'd have to know the depths of our friendship.
Though we hid this connection, it only took one glance to reassure that we had each other.

My friend. Where are we now?
Who would've thought that the phrase: "I'm used to it" would come out of my mouth as you pushed me away. Silence is deafening, however it has brought us back to where we started.

It took one message to break the notion.
It took one push to break my heart.

Update 101: School

And I am back, hello my dear readers though I probably don't have very many due to the inconsistency of my posting of posts here on Blogspot. I apologize. Now that I look at it, it's hard to keep this up thought I will still keep it. It's only hard to keep updating this thing as I'm limiting my rants online and writing in my journal. I've learnt that my personal life must stay personal. Hence my limited ranting tweets, tumblr and blogspot posts.

This is semester two of my HSC year. The final year of highschool, well in fact it's the final year of my schooling forever. Everyday it has occurred to me and slapped me in the face, the reality that this future I've been planning for years is now going to be needing action to be upon it. All the dreams and desires of what I wanted to do and want to be when I 'grow up' is now coming a lot faster than I thought. Like the bus or train coming early, you don't want to mis it . I don't want to miss one opportunity.

At the moment I am doing six subjects all adding up to 11 units. I have to say that I am really blessed to have such a timetable that works perfectly for me, my free periods occur either after or before class. I see why I mustn't develop good study habits. I finish early on Monday, Thursday and Friday (Week A) and start late on Wednesday and Thursday (Week B). They're all evenly spread out and I love it.

In terms of my subjects, I have so much Math homework to catch up on it's not even funny. I'm considering doing outside of school tutoring, though this is making an impact on my self-esteem. For goodness sake, I'm doing general maths and I'm struggling. This is the one subject I actually need to work really hard for, I don't understand why I struggle with it. However, I'm preparing myself to sacrifice some of my time to trial the after school math tutorials.

Society and Culture is really getting to me, I should have a solid topic by now but I don't. You see, though I can conform sometimes to society, I want my PiP to stand out. As most SAC students desire. I want to touch upon a topic that has social significance but hasn't been stated before. I want to incorporate my faith into this Pip. It's one out of two major works that I have in total for this year and for both majors I want reflect my character upon it. At the moment I'm reading "faith" by Theo Hudson. A theologian who explores the notion of faith and the role it plays in our lives. He touches upon democratic politics, free-market capitalism and psychological well-being. Really praying that this book will ignite a topic for me.

Advanced English. Oh English, all I can say it. It's pushing me to gain a better vocabulary, better essay writing speed and the development of original ideas. Belonging. Time. Topics I dread.

I can't complain too much, it's only been two days of school. But tomorrow is the start of my first complete week of school for the year and it so happens that Fatfish and Engage priorities have fallen upon this week as well. More updates on both these topics soon. That'll be saved for another day.
Until my next update on school, I'll have to say .. school not so shmool. I'm gonna take this year head on and I will push myself to reach my full potential. I know that inside of me I can do better and I WILL. Nothing will get in my way.

I'm taking ground at school.
Til the next post,

Despedida x